Katana, Kleenex, and Karai or When Leo Gets Sick
by tarin2014tfan
Summary: Leo has denied being sick, and it has finally caught up to him in a less than dignified manner.


Katana, Kleenex, and Karai or When Leo Gets Sick

 **Disclaimer-** I do not own TMNT or any of the characters therein. Some VERY rich dude does.  
 **Rating -** Mature Audiences ONLY  
 **Story Warnings-** Emotional distress due to embarrassment, Swearing, Hallucinations due to illness, Bodily fluids, (Don't like these topics? Do not read.)  
 **Pairings** \- None with implied OT4.  
 **Universe-** 2003  
 **Ages** \- Leo, Raph, Donnie, and Mikey are all of the equivalent age of 21. (I made them this age to account for time passage in the series storyline.)  
 **  
Summary-** Leo has denied being sick, and it has finally caught up to him in a less than dignified manner.

 **Chapter credits -** The fairy tale used in the making of this story is The Three Billy Goats Gruff. A Norwegian fairy tale collected by Peter Christen Asbjørnsen and Jørgen Moe in their Norske Folkeeventyr, first published between 1841 and 1844. 

Katana, Kleenex, and Karai  
or  
When Leo Gets Sick

The battle raged.

It was supposed to be nothing more than a quick supply run. Go to April's, grab what they needed, go home.

Nowhere in any of that did the Foot and Karai figure in.

But here they were, once again fighting for their lives.

They were used to it.

Go grab a pizza, stop a Purple Dragon hold up. Go have dinner with April and Casey, stop a mob shake down of the neighborhood bakery. Go pick up the groceries, run into Karai and a bunch of Foot ninja. Very ordinary, at least for the turtles anyway. Very expected, and right at the moment, very inconvenient.

Leo pushed down the urge to rub his itchy eyes, and checked on his brothers. They were doing per usual. Donnie had a wide expanse of open space surrounding him with unmoving bodies outlining the perimeter. Mikey was all over the place, taunting his attackers to distraction then knocking them unconscious with his nunchucks. And Raph was plowing through bodies with enough force to send them sailing over the roof edges.

Leo's only concern was Karai, and the fact that everything sounded as if he was underwater.

There was no denying it.

Leo brought his foot up, kicking Karai in the stomach. He grunted, resisting the overwhelming urge to cough.

The blue banded leader had definitely caught a cold.

The turtles and Foot clan had been fighting for almost an hour, both sides were feeling the strain. Karai's movements were becoming sloppy and sluggish. She was a human female, and no matter how much Karai denied it, she lacked the physical strength and endurance of the mutant turtle leader.

Leo normally would have had the upper hand by now, but because of this cold he had been refusing to acknowledge for the last two days, his swordsmanship wasn't faring much better than Karai's.

At least they were still fairly evenly matched.

Leo ducked a sloppy swing, bringing his sword up, and around to block Karai's return stroke.

The vibrations of their swords' clashing jarred Leo's arm, making his aching muscles throb in protest. He stopped the grimace of pain from reaching his face, refusing to show weakness in front of his enemy.

Karai was not so careful.

Leo momentarily paused. Karai didn't seem to notice. He sniffed lightly. He felt it coming, the telltale tickle beginning in the back of his nose.

Leo parried Karai's next strike, jumping back before she could turn to bring her tanto into strike range.

The blue ninja shook his head, trying to hold it off. The tickling sensation increased. It was not going to be put off one second more.

It was inevitable.

"STOP!" he bellowed, holding his hands up, swords crossed.

Everything came to an immediate halt. Enemy looked at enemy their faces dumbfounded.

"What trickery is this!?" Karai demanded.

Leo held up a hand, stopping her remark. He drew in several short breaths, scrunching his eyes and beak. His mouth opened wide, then wider as he inhaled deeply.

"Man, I hope she's smart enough to duck," Mikey muttered, drawing the confused attention of the Foot soldiers around him.

"AACCHHOOO!"

"She ain't."

"Dude. Gross."

Donnie just cringed.

Karai stood blinking. Her mouth hanging open, strings of mucus dangling in her hair. Her eyes slowly turned to stare at Leo.

Did he just...

Donnie dug a couple of tissue from his belt. "Excuse me," he said, stepping over the Foot ninja starting to regain consciousness and stand. "Here," he handed the tissues to his sniffling leader.

"Thanks," Leo said around wiping his nose. "Umm, Karai, I..."

"No!" she held up a hand. "Say nothing."

Leo reached out with his tissue.

"NO!" Karai jerked her head, sending slimy droplets flying from the end of her nose. "I have enough of your mucus on me as it is! Just..." she sighed, seeming to wilt before their eyes. "Just... go home."

The leader of the Foot turned, walking numbly away, her sword lying forgotten on the rooftop. The four brothers watched from behind as Karai wiped a hand across her forehead, then flicked it to the side. A thick glob landed on the roof with a wet splat to lie glittering in the moonlight.

Raph wasn't sure, but he would have sworn he heard her whimper. Or maybe it was a soft sob.

"So, bro. Gonna tell Master Splinter about this?" Mikey bounded over to prop an elbow on Leo's shoulder.

"I should," Leo sniffed, looking thankfully at Donnie as the olive turtle pressed a clean wad of tissue into his hands.

"COOL!" Mikey fist pumped. "Let's call it Ninja Battle Tactic Number 139!"

"How about we get you home and treated? You can't deny being sick now," Donnie had resorted to digging in his duffle for more tissues.

"I'm gonna say dis now," Raph chuckled, sheathing his sai. "If we're workin' on Ninja Battle Tactic Number 139 durin' practice in da mornin', I'm sleeping in."

"So am I," Leo coughed. "So am I."

One look at his eldest son as the four brothers entered the lair, and Splinter retreated to the kitchen to brew some of his all occasion medicinal tea. The old rat always made them drink at least one cup when sick.

The four brothers suspected their father's cure all concoction consisted of one part peppermint tea, four parts Benadryl, and one part dried magic mushroom powder, but it made them feel better, so who were they to argue?

The fact that Donnie would no loner touch the stuff may have been a bit unnerving to the other three, but after the second sip, no one really cared. Not even Donatello.

Splinter was a sneaky old rat.

Leo was sucking down the dregs of his second cup.

Donnie looked like he was ten seconds away from a brain aneurysm.

The blue leader was pretty sure he was seeing sound, and hearing color.

"Okay, bro," Raph pulled his now boneless leader up by the arms, letting Leo fall over his shoulder. "Let's go pour ya inna bed. Ya can sleep it off."

Leo's only reply was a hard snort.

"Ew! Excuse you for dragging snot," Mikey grimaced.

Leo snorted again, sneezing for added measure.

Feeling the warm mist, Raph made a mental note to take a shower as soon as he put Leo to bed, and punch his brother as soon as he was well. Visions of the same green goo covering Karai dripping from his tail danced through the emerald turtle's mind.

It wasn't a pretty picture.

"Here ya go," Raph was rather proud of himself for not dumping his brother quite as hard as he wanted to. "Sleep'll do ya good."

"I don't wan' a go to sleep," Leo whined, hitching up one side of his face and snorting again. "Not tired."

Man, Raph wished he had a video recorder, or at least a tape recorder. This was some perfect blackmail fodder and he was missing it!

"Ya may not be tired, but yer sick, an' high as a kite on Master Splinter's goofy juice. Ya need ta sleep."

"Stay," Leo held his arms up, waving for Raph to come closer with his fingers. "Tell me a story so I'll get sleepy," he pouted his lower lip out hoping to garner some sympathy from his emerald brother.

He snorted again in an attempt to play the sick card too, to get what he wanted, but the impact wasn't quite what Leo had hoped for when the mucus lodged in the back of his throat resulting in a coughing fit.

A camera! A camera! Man what he wouldn't give for a camera right about now!

"Fine," Raph sat on the edge of the bed, hoping Leo wouldn't notice the emerald turtle shifting around on the blankets in an attempt to de-goo his tail. "I'll tell ya a damn story if ya promise ta go ta sleep an' let me go shower."

Leo's grin stretched from ear slit to ear slit as he tugged his blanket up under his chin, snuggling down in the bed. Raph was going to pop him one if he clapped, sick or no sick.

"Once der were these four turtles who ran outta pizza."

"What happened to their pizza?" Leo cheerily asked.

"It got ate."

"Who ate it?"

Raph wondered if anyone would question him if he tried to sneak out of the lair with a big sack slung over his shoulder? A Leo size sack.

"Da troll."

Leo's eyes went wide. "What's the troll look like?"

Raph figured he had a good day before anyone would miss the blue banded turtle. Maybe two.

"Bebop on steroids."

"This isn't a very good story. Mikey's are better."

"It'll get better," Raph growled. "Now shut up. Like I was sayin'..."

"Can I have some more tea?"

Raph almost said yes. The only thing stopping him was the fact he was scared shitless of Donatello. Not that he would admit it.

"No. Ya want dis damn story or not?"

"Yes. I'm sorry," Leo mumbled, looking contrite.

Raph felt a pile of guilt when Leo sniffed. The oldest didn't get sick often, but when he did...

"Da four turtles had ta cross dis bridge ta get ta da pizza place on da other side a da river. An' before ya ask, no dey didn't have a boat."

"Bet they didn't have a Donnie either," Leo mumbled sleepily. "He'd make them one. Out of popsicle sticks, and gum."

Raph always suspected Leo got up in the middle of the night to watch reruns of MacGyver.

The emerald turtle hid his grin, not caring quite so much he was having to nursemaid his older brother.

"So da littlest turtle started ta cross da bridge, an' da troll popped up threatenin' ta eat him."

"Maybe they should invite him along for pizza too, if he's hungry. He could pay," Leo rubbed his beak with the back of his hand, sniffing. He then rubbed his hand on the blanket. "I bet he had on pants. With pockets, so he could carry around money. Turtles don't have pockets, or wear pants," Leo looked at Raph with watery eyes. "Why don't we wear pants, Raph? I'd like to be able to carry money with me. That way I could buy you those protein bars you like so much. Even if they do make your farts smell like garbage day in Chelsea. I love you anyway."

Donnie HAD to have some kind of mini recorder. If not, the genius was going to start working on one the second Raph was out of the shower.

"Da little turtle was a quick little shit an' jumped over da troll tellin' him ta wait an' eat his brother. His brother was bigger."

"How big?"

"Not big enough," Raph set a box of tissue on Leo's bedside table. "Cuz da troll started bitchin' 'bout how small he was when he showed up, but da second turtle was smart, an' tricked da troll inta waitin' fer da next brother. Da third brother was da biggest. Da troll was gettin' ready ta eat him when he punched him inna face. Da troll fell inna river an' was never heard from 'gain. Da end," Raph stood, heading for the door. "Now go ta sleep."

He figured he had three seconds to get out the door before Leo's sap kicked in.

"Raph?"

Damn! Too slow! He must be getting old.

Raph's shoulders slumped. He turned around looking at Leo.

"Thank you for telling me a story," Leo sniffed. "And for taking care of me. And I'm sorry I insulted your gas."

"We'll talk 'bout it next time ya have sushi."

Raph shut off the light, and got the hell out of Dodge before Leo decided he needed to apologize for snotting Raph's tail.

Leo lay in bed wishing the ceiling would stop spinning counterclockwise when the walls were spinning clockwise. It messed with his equilibrium big time.

He knew Raph told him to sleep, and he wanted to if for no other reason than to make the walls be still. But try as he might, he couldn't. He was thirsty. And his throat hurt. His muscles did too. And he was hungry.

A trip to the bathroom wouldn't hurt either.

Donnie hadn't let him eat anything but chicken broth when they got home. Leo hated chicken broth. It was sick food. He wanted pizza for some strange reason, and was pretty sure there was some leftover in the refrigerator. There was always leftover pizza in the refrigerator, except when it was Donnie's turn to clean the kitchen.

A brief flash of fear made Leo's heart clench. He hoped Bebop hadn't broken in and taken all their leftover pizza.

The bastard!

Leo sat up, pulling his blanket around his shoulders, and sniffed. He reached for a tissue. Great, the tissue box was empty now too.

Now that he HAD to get up out of bed, Leo didn't WANT to. Besides, the ceiling and walls had finally gotten in sync with each other. He could sleep now.

But he needed a new box of tissue.

Shuffling his way towards the door, Leo looked down. Soft, puffy, little white flowers had sprouted all over the floor of his bedroom and were brushing against his feet.

Poking one with his finger, Leo grinned. If Bebop had stolen their pizza and thrown it in the East River, he could always eat these marshmallow flowers. He wouldn't starve!

Take THAT you bastard!

Leo stepped out of his bedroom and thought he had accidentally passed through a dimensional portal. He squeezed his eyes tight shaking his head. When he opened them, everything still looked the same.

Not the same same that was the normal same of being home in the lair, but the same different same of having crossed through a dimensional portal. Maybe he would talk to Donnie about putting locks on the dimensional portals as soon as he rescued the pizza Bebop had thrown in the river, cleaned the marshmallow flowers out of his room, had a glass of water, although some more of Sensei's medicinal tea would be better, went to the bathroom, and got a new box of tissue.

Leo snorted again and wiped his beak with a corner of his blanket. Maybe he should move tissue to the top of his list.

Making his way to the lower level, Leo took in all of the changes wrought to his home. The lair was no longer made of cement and stone. The floor was covered in lush green grass, dotted with brightly colored wildflowers. Lines of trees divided the individual rooms, their branches intertwined to form the ceiling, resulting in the shadowed interior the family was used to.

The sofa looked like a red mound of feathery looking moss, and the TV array resembled the side of a mountain, polished to a high sheen. Leo wondered if wherever he was got reception for the History Channel.

There was a three part series on Japanese weaponry starting tonight, and Leo didn't want to miss it.

Tissue first.

The bridge was still there, but it was no longer a metal construct spanning a calm pool. The footbridge was now made of wood with scrolled handrails and carved spindles, stretching from side to side over a fast flowing river, complete with marsh reeds and cattails growing on both sides. It resembled something plucked straight from a Deborah Poynton painting.

"Ah, man! We're outta pizza!"

Leo gasped, his head whipping around in the direction of his baby brother's distressed cry. His worst fear had come true, Bebop had broken into the lair, and stolen their pizza!

Bastard!

"I threw it out," came a muffled reply from under the bridge.

And the thieving warthog was still in the lair?!

"What'd you do THAT for?!"

Leo watched in horror as Mikey stepped out of the kitchen. Now the blue banded leader knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he was in a different dimension, Mikey was covered in a fine layer of orange and green swirled goat's hair with twin horns jutting from the top of his head, the same color as the hooves that were now his feet. A small tufted beard hung down from under his chin.

Leo's baby brother looked like something better suited to be in a child's crayon version of a Hieronymus Bosch painting of Hell.

"You KNOW good and well why I threw it out, Michelangelo!"

Leo stared in disbelief as the owner of the voice from under the bridge slowly emerged. The creature was covered in a black, leathery skin, shining with the slime dripping from it. It's eyes were huge and bulbous, perched on top of it's grotesquely shaped head. An oversized hand waved in Mikey's direction, sparking a thin blue flame from it's fingers.

It didn't look much like Bebop.

Still ugly though.

"It had blue FUR growing on it!"

"That doesn't mean it wasn't still good!" Mikey shot back.

Leo found it interesting Mikey's beard wagged from side to side with every word the orange ninja spoke.

Donnie rolled his eyes, extinguishing his blowtorch and setting it on the floor a safe distance from the pool. "Fine, next time I'll let you eat the stuff, and when you get food poisoning don't come crying to me!"

Leo couldn't believe it, Raph's story was coming to life right before his very eyes. What could only be a troll climbed up on the riverbank and onto the bridge, planting himself right in the middle of Mikey's path.

Mikey was going to be eaten!

Leo rushed back to his room. Weapons, weapons! He needed weapons!

He barely noticed the vines now hanging from both sides of his door.

Quickly grabbing his swords, Leo paused before exiting his room. The troll was hungry, that was obvious. Maybe, just maybe, if he threw some of the marshmallow flowers at it, the distraction would give Mikey the chance to get away!

The blue banded ninja quickly grabbed up handfuls of the fluffy flowers, stuffing them in his belt. It was worth a try to save his baby brother!

He tried not to think about the sticky goo that was being smeared all over his belt and plastron as the marshmallows were smushed. He could shower later.

When Raph was done.

Raph always farted in the shower.

Stinky farts.

Too many protein bars.

Maybe it was a good thing turtles didn't wear pants or have pockets.

Leo's relief almost brought the leaf green turtle to his knees. Mikey was safe and sound, heading for the kitchen. His little orange goat tail wagging back and forth as he walked.

The troll stood in the middle of the bridge, gesturing wildly in Mikey's general direction.

Leo could easily guess why. The troll was waiting for the next brother to cross.

"I said I'd send Raph to help! He's the strongest, he can hold it so you don't have to rush welding it in place, and can get it done right the first time," Mikey shouted over his shoulder. "Besides, since SOMEONE threw out our pizza! I have to go dig up SOMETHING to make for dinner, and since LEO snotted the Foot, we didn't get the groceries!"

"FINE!"

The troll wasn't happy. Leo didn't care. Hopefully, he now had a few seconds to ready his attack before Raph showed up.

"What's all da yellin' 'bout!? Yer gonna wake Leo!"

That didn't take long. Leo wasn't even close to battle ready. He was still trying to get his blanket tied around his neck, and his sheaths kept getting in the way.

Raph's changed appearance was nowhere near as surprising as Leo thought it would be. Yes, the hothead was covered in swirled goat hair like Mikey, only red not orange. And Raph's horns were big, massive, things curling down on each side of his head. The red banded turtle could easily fit into a Hieronymus Bosch painting of Hell too, just not a child's rendition.

Raph's beard hung down to the middle of his plastron. It was longer than Splinter's!

"He's gonna be out for hours," came Mikey's voice from inside the kitchen. "He had two cups of Sensei's LSD tea."

"It doesn't have LSD in it, Mikey!" Leo heard Donnie's voice but couldn't see his genius brother anywhere. He hoped the troll hadn't eaten the olive turtle while Leo was picking those marshmallow flowers, but he was nowhere to be seen. "I've checked! The hallucinogenic effects are from the mushroom powder. But I agree, after two cups, Leo's going to be feeling it for a while."

"Now that I got my tail clean," Raph scowled at the disgusting thought. "Whatcha need help wit'?"

Raph approached the troll, looking every bit the capable brawler he was. Leo panicked. Naturally, Raph would defeat the troll, the story said so.

The last goat was always the strongest. Raph was the last goat because Leo wasn't covered in fur, nor did he have horns on his head. He checked both just to be sure.

The strongest goat always beat the troll.

Leo couldn't let that happen, not this time. The troll had eaten Donnie! He had to save his brother! And the first step was to stop Raph from knocking the brother eating abomination into the river!

Besides, Leo didn't want to get his blanket wet. It wouldn't help his cold.

He, Leonardo, had become the last goat!

Or turtle.

Whatever.

Leo snorted, dragging snot. He had to act, and NOW!

"I'm coming Donnie! I'll save you!" With a mighty battle cry, Leo jumped over the upper level railing, sword in the air, throwing marshmallow flowers at the troll. "If you can hear me, hold your breath!"

Seeing Leo jump from the second level with his blanket flying behind him like some kind of demented superhero cape, and flinging wadded up, used tissues at Donnie, Raph really wished he'd gotten that camera.

"Don't knock him in the river, Goat Raph! I'll get my blanket wet!"

Or the sack.

Leo snorted, throwing a handful of tissue into the air, slicing them with his sword.

Yep. Definitely the sack.

Donnie stared as bits of white paper floated down like confetti. "What the Hell?"

Hearing the commotion, Mikey cautiously stuck his head around the kitchen door.

"Woah, Sensei! You HAVE to let me in on what's in that tea!"

"Hmm," Splinter stroked his beard. "Perhaps I should not have given Leonardo a second cup?"

"Next time give him three! This is BEYOND cool!"

Splinter wondered if his friend the Daimyo would like to hear about this. He had greatly enjoyed the story of Splinter's sons testing their lung capacity after all.

With the troll momentarily distracted by the food, Leo dropped to his knees in front of the monster. "Donnie! Donnie!" he shouted, pawing at the beast's lower stomach. "I'm coming! Try not to suffocate! The good thing is you won't drown! I stopped Goat Raph from throwing the troll in the river!"

Donnie looked at Raph, his expression resembling Karai's after Leo had sneezed on her. "The Hell?" The olive turtle couldn't seem to get past the fact he was being mauled by his oldest brother after being pelted by said brother with snot smeared tissues.

Donnie felt the immediate need for a shower. A LONG, HOT shower.

"Take... Take da goggles o-off," Raph laughed.

Donnie tossed his eye gear aside. "Leo, I'm fine!" he shouted, grabbing his brother's hands. "Get your fingers out of my crotch!"

Leo jumped to his feet, grabbing Donnie by the shoulders. "Oh! Good! He vomited you up!"

Yeah, really long, really hot shower.

Maybe some online therapy.

Blowing up virtual shit was bound to help. That or a cup of Sensei's tea.

Mikey looked at his father. Splinter shrugged. Mikey turned, going back into the kitchen.

Some things a guy was just better off just not knowing.

"Come on, Leo," Raph draped an arm around his brother's shoulders. "Let's get ya back in bed," he chuckled. "Maybe dat goat story wasn't such a good idea after all."

Leo planted his feet, ducking under his brother's emerald arm. "I can't go back to bed yet. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry. I need a new box of tissue, and I gotta go pee," Leo snorted, wiggling his beak. "My throat hurts too."

"Yes, only one cup from now on," Splinter mumbled to himself turning to follow his youngest son back into the kitchen.

"Donnie'll bring ya all dat stuff, now dat ya saved him from da troll."

If looks were weapons, Donnie's was a nuclear bomb.

Raph managed to get his stoned and sick brother back upstairs, back into bed, minus swords and cape, and all tucked in with a fresh blanket. A bottle of water, some cubed watermelon, and a fresh box of tissue had magically appeared on the bedside table while Leo was in the bathroom.

Raph didn't even try to explain why the toilet now looked like a hollow tree stump.

"Now, dis time, go ta sleep."

"Raphie..."

Raph knew what THAT whine meant.

"Story?"

He shouldn't. He really shouldn't. Not after the fiasco that just happened.

But why the Hell not!

"Sure thing, bro. Ever hear da one 'bout da hunchback a Notre Dame?"

Thanks for reading.


End file.
